1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,048
[ Seagulls cawing ]

2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:08,530
Clem: Dear everyone, just
because you think I'm a weirdo

3
00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:09,922
doesn't mean I am.

4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:11,663
In fact,
if you look at my life,

5
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:14,492
I think you'll see
I'm very normal.

6
00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:17,539
I pick out my own clothes every
morning, like a normal person.

7
00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:23,153
♪♪

8
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:24,676
[ Flies buzzing ]

9
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,461
I have a job,
like a normal person.

10
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:30,552
♪♪

11
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,554
I date,
like a normal person.

12
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,209
In fact, I've been seeing the
same girl for six months now.

13
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:42,955
♪♪

14
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:45,393
I have a normal hobby --
darts.

15
00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:51,660
♪♪

16
00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:57,970
♪♪

17
00:00:58,014 --> 00:01:01,409
And every night, I do
what all normal people do --

18
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:07,023
I watch episodes
of my favorite TV show.

19
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,330
Announcer: What happens
when everyone's favorite

20
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:11,375
pro wrestler,
Captain Preposterous...

21
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,812
Whoo, doggie!

22
00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,727
Announcer:
...becomes a stepfather?

23
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,207
You're not my dad!

24
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:19,557
I'll show side boob
if I want to show side boob.

25
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,124
You get a blended family

26
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,040
where the preposterousness
never ends.

27
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,869
[ Singing ]
"The Preposterouses"!

28
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,566
Has anyone seen
my good cape?

29
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:30,351
I'll help you find it.

30
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:31,917
Clem:
Come to think of it,

31
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,571
the only thing that isn't
normal about me

32
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:35,399
is my relationship
with my family.

33
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:36,661
[ Phone beeps ]

34
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:38,359
Woman:
Hey, Clem, it's me.

35
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,012
How you doing, stranger?

36
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,231
We're renting a beach house
this weekend,

37
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:42,667
and we'd love to see you.

38
00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:44,408
I'll text you
the address.

39
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:47,977
Maybe you can bring that girl
we've heard about.

40
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:52,112
♪♪

41
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,591
[ Flies buzzing ]

42
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,725
Hey, thanks so much
for doing this.

43
00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,422
I haven't seen my family
in a long time,

44
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,121
and my mom thinks
I have a girlfriend.

45
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:02,557
Are you kidding?

46
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,602
This is gonna be fun.

47
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,127
I usually only get to meet
clients' families

48
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,085
if they die
at the club.

49
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,392
Besides, I like you.

50
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,002
You're my only regular

51
00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:17,224
who doesn't take his wiener out
and play with it.

52
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,269
Unless you don't have
a wiener.

53
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,097
Do you have a wiener?

54
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,359
I-I do.

55
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,579
I-I ha-- I have a wiener.

56
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:26,668
Then, you're quite
the gentleman.

57
00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:33,501
♪♪

58
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,329
I don't understand
what the big deal is.

59
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,157
I mean,
so I stole Vivian's mail.

60
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,636
Who cares?

61
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,857
Well, uh, Vivian.
I mean, Vivian cares.

62
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,685
I mean, you ran off with
her new credit card.

63
00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,295
I mean, if you wanted
new shoes so bad,

64
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,036
you should have just
stolen shoes.

65
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:50,213
Yeah, well, I didn't think that
through, obviously. [ Sighs ]

66
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:51,867
Hopefully, we can get her
to drop the charges.

67
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,782
But until then, you have to
get me out of here.

68
00:02:53,825 --> 00:02:56,698
Okay, with what?
Bail is $50,000.

69
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:59,091
And a bail bondsman's
even gonna charge 10% of that.

70
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:00,702
So, that's basically
everything we have

71
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,138
in the whole
wedding fund.

72
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,575
I mean, goodbye
chocolate foundation.

73
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:07,274
Cut it out.
Let's wrap it up.

74
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:09,145
We need this room
for a strip search.

75
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,539
[ Baby fusses ]

76
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:12,801
Here.

77
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,237
Just give me a second.

78
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,108
-Why?
-Just give me a sec.

79
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,371
-Why?
-Because I need a second.

80
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:18,720
-Why?
-Because I do.

81
00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:20,548
Why?

82
00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:22,245
Because there were two women in
the hallway who were making out,

83
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:23,942
and now
I have a boner.

84
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:25,335
And I don't want to hold my son
while I have a boner.

85
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,511
Okay, well,
why didn't you just say so?

86
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,732
Let me know
when it's gone.

87
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,255
[ Sighs ]

88
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:34,257
Yeah, the girls in here
are really horny.

89
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,520
I mean, one of them keeps
calling me her little kitty

90
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:37,913
and saying she wants to
lick me all over --

91
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:40,611
You're just
prolonging this.

92
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,744
[ Flies buzzing ]

93
00:03:42,787 --> 00:03:44,746
[ Sighs ] Well, if we're
gonna pretend to be dating,

94
00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:46,878
we should probably know
some stuff about each other.

95
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:50,230
Like, I'm allergic to laundry
detergent, I like darts,

96
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,232
and I still have two
of my baby teeth.

97
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:53,450
Wow.

98
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,017
Oh, oh!
And my name's Clem.

99
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,714
Got it. Yeah. Clem.

100
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:58,673
Oh, well, my real name
is Dorothy.

101
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,022
I grew up
in the mountains,

102
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:02,372
but I moved
when the bikini bar closed.

103
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:04,809
I'm allergic to
horsehair carpet,

104
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:07,421
my favorite color
is smoky lavender,

105
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,292
and I bleach
my butthole.

106
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,120
Really?

107
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:13,296
Well, from my side of the glass,
it looks very natural.

108
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,819
Thanks.

109
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:18,997
I got a great butthole guy,
if you want his number.

110
00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:20,260
Good to know.

111
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:24,394
♪♪

112
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:25,656
Eddie: Okay.
Yeah, well, I got to go.

113
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,005
Bye.

114
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,182
[ Bell rings ]

115
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,533
Whoa!
Where'd you get that?

116
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,012
Got it from some triplets

117
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:35,840
who were sick
of fighting over it.

118
00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:38,103
You were saying you get lonely
when I'm out delivering food,

119
00:04:38,147 --> 00:04:40,932
so I thought, this way, you
could come with me sometimes.

120
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,370
Sometimes?
How about all the time?

121
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,502
You can steer.
I'll sit on the back

122
00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:48,331
and feed you Pringles when you
get hungry -- partners.

123
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:51,203
We'll split tips 50-50.

124
00:04:51,247 --> 00:04:53,249
Yeah, o-okay.

125
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:57,079
I usually just pull over to
the sidewalk to enjoy my chips.

126
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:58,689
But okay.

127
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,257
Hey, have you seen my
Washington Capitals T-shirt?

128
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,172
It's really soft, so I like
to wear it in the morning

129
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,434
when I'm sitting quietly
on the beach

130
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,262
thinking about nothing
for 20 minutes.

131
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,569
You mean meditating.

132
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,353
What's meditating?

133
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,746
Oh! Oh!

134
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:14,357
I'm also allergic to nuts --
all of them.

135
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:17,099
Except for raisins.

136
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,101
Are raisins nuts?

137
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:21,843
Well, maybe not
technically,

138
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,975
but they're always
hanging out together.

139
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:26,500
I think they're,
like, food cousins.

140
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:27,805
Hmm.

141
00:05:29,459 --> 00:05:30,765
Oh, uh,
there's one last thing

142
00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:32,375
I should warn you
about my family --

143
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,812
uh, there's a very strong
chance that we might...

144
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,597
Whoo! Don't --

145
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:43,343
Never mind.
It's just Clem.

146
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,040
...be on TV?

147
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,005
Clem:
I suppose you could argue that
keeping a big part of your life

148
00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:56,094
secret from the rest of
the world isn't normal,

149
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:58,575
but I guess I'm worried
no one would believe me.

150
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:03,145
♪♪

151
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,886
[ Motor whirring ]

152
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,104
[ Whirring stops ]

153
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:08,759
Clem, you came!
Are you alone?

154
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:11,240
-Uh...no.
-Hey, Clem.

155
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,459
Who's your friend?

156
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,461
Sinnomin. [cinnamon]
Ah, uh...

157
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:17,594
is her, uh, favorite spice,
but her real name is Dorothy.

158
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:20,118
Nice to meet you,
Dorothy.

159
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:22,294
I like nutmeg.

160
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:23,905
Wait a minute.

161
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,428
I've seen this show.

162
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:28,126
Yo-You're the wrestler
who's always saying --

163
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,302
Whooooooooooooooo, doggie!

164
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,652
Yep.

165
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:33,088
And you're the one
that always says --

166
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,524
Suck my puss!

167
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,091
Nice to meet you.

168
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,354
I like that eye shadow.
What color is that?

169
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,095
Smoky lavender.

170
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:43,490
I can't believe this.
I love you guys.

171
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:47,581
I-I've been saving up to buy one
of those electric lip plumpers

172
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,147
you do the commercials for.

173
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:50,671
Don't be silly.

174
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:53,413
A friend of Clem's
doesn't pay for fuller lips.

175
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:56,459
Oh, my God.
Thank you!

176
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:59,680
You just saved me seven
easy payments of $29.99

177
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:01,508
plus the shipping
and handling.

178
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:04,075
Shipping and handling
is where they get you.

179
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:07,165
Handling isn't even
a thing.

180
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,471
[ Doorbell rings ]

181
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,255
Can we do
the meet and greet later?

182
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:12,040
That's the food-delivery guy,
and we're trying to create

183
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:13,781
a little
preposterousness.

184
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:15,565
Picture's up!

185
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:19,047
Clem, you and your friend can go
wait upstairs in the bedroom.

186
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:20,527
Oh.

187
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,703
All right. Sure.

188
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,879
Um, come on.

189
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:28,622
♪♪

190
00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:31,363
Oh. What are we
supposed to do with this guy?

191
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,191
I don't know.
Just try and rile him up

192
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,497
and we'll see
where it goes.

193
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,070
I hope your dumb ass
brought duck sauce.

194
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,421
Uh, no.

195
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,205
This isn't
Chinese food.

196
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,772
Aw, hell no.

197
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:51,209
You better not be bringing
the race card into this.

198
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:54,474
Whooooooooooooooo,
doggie!

199
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,087
[ Whispering ] I think I have
some duck sauce

200
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,915
back in my van
if you want to go back.

201
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,220
Hey, guys,
can you step in?

202
00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:03,657
You're kind of in
a bad light, there.

203
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,140
I can't believe this.

204
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:11,316
Captain Prepostitous
is your father?

205
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,015
No. Uh, my real dad
took off when I was two.

206
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:16,104
But it's kind of
a long story.

207
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:19,716
As a child, I had a condition
that left me with bald spots.

208
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,110
And because of that,
people thought I was weird.

209
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,591
So, I usually just stayed
inside with my sister.

210
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,723
We loved wrestling,

211
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,465
and our favorite wrestler
was Captain Preposterous.

212
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,162
Signature move!

213
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,077
[ Camera shutter clicks ] So, when he came to town,

214
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,862
my mother took me to meet him.

215
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:40,824
♪♪

216
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,434
[ Doorbell rings ]

217
00:08:42,478 --> 00:08:44,088
It turned out
Captain Preposterous

218
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:45,568
was a real romantic.

219
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:51,835
♪♪

220
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,576
[ Doorbell rings ]

221
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,231
And it didn't take long
for him to pop the question.

222
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:59,713
♪♪

223
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:03,760
Just like that,
we were a family --

224
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:06,067
a family that
Captain Preposterous thought

225
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:07,895
should have their own
reality show.

226
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,462
So, there I am, getting scolded
for speaking out of turn

227
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,073
in the middle of
a PTA meeting.

228
00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:14,597
Me, getting scolded!

229
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:15,859
Can you imagine?

230
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,339
That is hilarious.

231
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:18,993
I am sold.

232
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,560
And now that "Hogan Knows Best"
has been cancelled,

233
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,692
there's a Hulk-sized hole
in the market.

234
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,172
Before I knew it,
there were cameras

235
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,521
filming everyone
in the house.

236
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,740
Hold!

237
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,002
Well, almost everyone.

238
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,351
Oh, I'm sorry.

239
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,266
I didn't know you guys
were in here.

240
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:33,050
Someone at the network thought
the weird little bald kid

241
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,574
distracted from the rest
of the family.

242
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,097
Action!

243
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,838
The show became a hit,

244
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,622
and for the last eight years,
it's all they do.

245
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,624
Captain Preposterous: She can
stay on the floor. I don't care.

246
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:44,845
Watching TV became the only way
for me to spend time with them.

247
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:47,978
♪♪

248
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,328
But then, a few months ago,
I-I started taking this medicine

249
00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:51,895
for my hair loss,
you know?

250
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,680
So, I figured, if I came back
with a girlfriend,

251
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,638
then maybe they would finally
think I was normal

252
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:59,511
and maybe let me be
on their TV show.

253
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:02,297
Tiffany:
You better suck my puss!

254
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:05,343
I'm sorry.
Suck your what?

255
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,737
[ Whispering ] I think
she said her puss.

256
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,348
[ Chuckles ] And her parents
are right there.

257
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:12,002
[ Both chuckling ]

258
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,961
-This isn't working.
-Fine.

259
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,615
Cut.

260
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,181
I thought we'd try and capture
something real for once.

261
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:18,966
Never mind.

262
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,663
Gail, get everybody a copy of
the script for the séance scene.

263
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,056
Guys, I need you to sign
this release form

264
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,405
in case we use
any of that.

265
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:24,667
We might be on TV?

266
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,495
-I hope not.
-Oh, I can't.

267
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,018
I told my parents
I've been attending law school

268
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,672
in Connecticut, so...

269
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:32,283
if they see this,
they're gonna want to talk.

270
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:39,682
♪♪

271
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:46,994
♪♪

272
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:54,392
♪♪

273
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:56,699
We're gonna get Mommy
out of jail, okay?

274
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,962
[ Baby fussing ]All right.

275
00:10:59,006 --> 00:11:00,442
Okay.
There we go.

276
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,487
We did it.
All right.

277
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:05,447
[ Sighs ]

278
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,057
Vivian!

279
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,711
[ Sniffs ]

280
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:11,279
Vivian,
I know you're in there.

281
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:16,588
Why did Eddie have to show up
and take you away from me?

282
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,766
I'm sure you're probably upset
because Nikki stole your mail,

283
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:22,203
but I can explain
the whole thing.

284
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:24,727
I was doing
everything right --

285
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,469
acting like a lady,

286
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:30,080
waiting for you
to make the first move...

287
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,691
[ Muffled ] Vivian!

288
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,605
She's sick, okay?

289
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,347
She's -- She's addicted
to shoe shopping.

290
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:41,352
...pretending to be
all sweet and innocent.

291
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:43,398
Oh, yeah,
you like that.

292
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,878
I shredded her
credit cards,

293
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,315
but it forced her to get one
somewhere else.

294
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,143
You're perfect.

295
00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:50,971
Did you know that?

296
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:55,149
Not, like, perfectperfect,
but, like, perfect for me,

297
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:58,935
because I am a little
older than you.

298
00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:03,331
But you're also kind of really,
really, really, really dumb

299
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:06,813
and also homeless,
which is a dealbreaker

300
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:10,338
for a lot of women
other than me.

301
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,122
Come here. Shh.

302
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:14,124
Come here.
Shh. Come here.

303
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:16,344
Vi-Vivian,
I think I saw you move.

304
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:20,478
-What the hell is that?
-This is an O-I-jee board.

305
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,524
-Ouija [wee-jee] board.
-Ouija [wee-jee] board.

306
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,395
You won't listen to me,
so I thought we'd ask

307
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,136
your real dad if you
should go to college.

308
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,704
That's why we came to the beach
for the weekend, honey.

309
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,707
Since your dad died on a boat,
this is the...

310
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,100
Line!

311
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,406
"This is the closest
we can get to his spirit

312
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,452
without getting
our hair wet."

313
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,367
This is the closest we can get
to his spirit

314
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:40,672
without getting
our hair wet.

315
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:42,849
Washington.[ Clicks ]

316
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,676
White House.[ Clicks ]

317
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,375
This is bullshit.
You should be out there

318
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,464
pretending to talk to
your dead dad.

319
00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:51,945
Have you told them that you
want to be on the show?

320
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,816
No.

321
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,122
I mean, I've had
the conversation,

322
00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:56,645
like, a thousand times
in my head.

323
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:58,516
I'm -- I'm just
too much of a pussy

324
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,822
to say anything out loud.

325
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,868
That's crazy.

326
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,913
Hey, you're not a pussy.

327
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:07,917
You asked me to come here and
pretend to be your girlfriend.

328
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,919
That took a lot of guts.

329
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,314
-Really?
-Yeah.

330
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:14,968
You don't know me.

331
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:18,406
Halfway here, I could have taken
out a knife and robbed you.

332
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:20,451
That's, like,
a real possibility.

333
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:23,846
I have a knife in my purse,
and I've robbed people before.

334
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,805
Well, thanks, but I didn't
really ask you.

335
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,241
I-I wrote it down
on a piece of paper.

336
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,809
It's -- It's much easier
than actually talking.

337
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:38,818
So write it down.

338
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:41,777
Here.

339
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,388
-Serious?
-Yeah. Why not?

340
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:46,913
But don't just ask
to be on the show.

341
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:52,657
First, you need to convince them
that you're not a weirdo.

342
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:55,965
Dear everyone, just because
you think I'm a weirdo

343
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,401
doesn't mean I am.[ Motor whirring ]

344
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,186
In fact,
if you look at my life,

345
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,144
I think you'll see
I'm very normal.[ Laughing ]

346
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:04,234
I pick out my own clothes every
morning, like a normal person.

347
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,671
I have a job,
like a normal person.[ Laughing continues ]

348
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,630
I date,
like a normal person.

349
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:15,811
♪♪

350
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,423
No. You're spelling
"Annapolis" wrong again.

351
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,165
Clem has something
he wants you all to read.

352
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,906
Guys, can we just
get a minute?

353
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,429
Clem, what is this?

354
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:27,692
That? Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing important. What?

355
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:30,565
No, Clem,
you got -- You --

356
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,828
He wants to be
on the show.

357
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,786
You can't just pretend
he doesn't exist

358
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:37,180
because you think
he's weird.

359
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:38,921
He's your family.

360
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:40,705
-Our family?
-[ Sighs ]

361
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:42,620
-Clem, what did you tell her?
-Nothing. Nothing.

362
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,144
Clem?

363
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,623
What did --
What did youtell her, huh?

364
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,669
Please stop --
Please stop talking.

365
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:49,540
Please stop talking.
Suck my puss.

366
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:52,761
Suck my puss.
Whoooooooooo, doggie! Mm!

367
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:54,284
Clem, it's okay.
I'm gonna call your mother.

368
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:55,720
I'm gonna call
yourmother!

369
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:57,157
I thought you
were his mother.

370
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,723
I think you're
just confused.

371
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,334
I think you'reconfused.

372
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,771
Uh, what the hell
is going on here?

373
00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:03,990
It's a long story.

374
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:05,513
You'rea long story!

375
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,558
Loretta: We met Clem
when he was 13.

376
00:15:07,602 --> 00:15:09,082
Signature move!

377
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,910
His mother, Diane,
was our housekeeper,

378
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,129
and she would bring Clem
to work because...

379
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,044
well, he had some issues --

380
00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:16,698
the worst being that
he would eat his hair

381
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:19,701
whenever he got upset,
which was a lot.

382
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,921
Anyway, I felt bad for Diane,

383
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,793
so I tried to include
her and Clem when I could.

384
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,751
[ Gasps ]

385
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,318
But once we started
filming the show,

386
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,233
it became difficult
to have Clem around.

387
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,975
He kept finding excuses
to sneak on camera.

388
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,369
Hold!

389
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:36,761
Oh, I'm sorry.

390
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:40,330
I didn't know you guys
were in here.

391
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,767
♪♪

392
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,379
Plus, in season three,
we had to get rid of Diane

393
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:50,036
because the network wanted to
add some sexy diversity.

394
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:54,736
♪♪

395
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:58,696
Diane understood,
but Clem didn't.

396
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,002
Come on.
Here you go, Clem.

397
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:01,482
Clem!
Come on! Clem!

398
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:03,136
We got to go!

399
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,528
Hey! Come on!

400
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,967
[ Straining ]

401
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,143
Diane and I still
keep in touch, though.

402
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:13,711
Last we spoke, Clem's shrink
had him on anti-psychotic meds

403
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,278
that control
the hair eating

404
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:18,064
as long he avoids
stressful situations,

405
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,979
like picking out clothes.

406
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,113
She also said
he has a job.

407
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:25,723
He's been
seeing a girl.

408
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,203
He even has a hobby.

409
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:31,381
And he never misses
an episode of our show.

410
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,122
So, I thought it would be nice
to try and see him

411
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,776
while we were in town.

412
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,517
[ On answering machine ]
I'll text you the address.

413
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,085
Maybe you can bring that girl
we've heard about.

414
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,261
And please tell your mom
to come, too.

415
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:42,958
Bye.
[ Clicks ]

416
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,916
Who was that
on the phone?

417
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,570
DMV.
Uh, uh, you got --

418
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:48,181
you got to call them back.
Ask for Rick.

419
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:50,270
[ Beeps ]Computerized voice:
Message deleted.

420
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,099
♪♪

421
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,883
His mother told me
he used to like to pretend

422
00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:57,581
that he was related to us.
I thought it was sweet.

423
00:16:57,625 --> 00:17:00,541
I didn't actually think
he believed it.

424
00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:02,195
Maybe we should
call the cops.

425
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:05,937
Not yet. Clem, can you tell me
how you're feeling right now?

426
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:07,939
Leave him alone.
Clem, I'm gonna call your mom.

427
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,767
No!
I'm staying here,

428
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:11,508
with Captain Preposterous
and my family.

429
00:17:11,552 --> 00:17:13,206
We're not
your family, Clem.

430
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,686
So, just calm down, or we're
gonna have to call the police.

431
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,776
Stay back!

432
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:26,088
♪♪

433
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:33,313
♪♪

434
00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:34,531
[ Clatters ]

435
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,098
[ Grunts ]

436
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:42,931
♪♪

437
00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:44,802
Whoooooo, doggie!

438
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:48,545
[ Grunts ]

439
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:51,113
[ Breathing heavily ]
Sorry.

440
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,681
Once I start, my signature-move
muscle memory kicks in.

441
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:54,943
I got to finish.

442
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:55,987
[ Coughs ]

443
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:03,082
[ Radio chatter ]

444
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,214
Buddy,
that was awesome.

445
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,173
It's the most real
this show has ever been.

446
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,044
It's gonna be
our best episode yet.

447
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,655
I'm gonna be on TV?
With Captain Preposterous?

448
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,657
Yep.
You're gonna be a star.

449
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,746
I just need you
to sign this release.

450
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,096
Are you going to use the part
where he uses

451
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:19,315
his signature move
to immobilize me?

452
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,622
Are you kidding? I think it's
gonna be the act break.

453
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,058
Put the pen
in my mouth.

454
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:31,153
♪♪

455
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:39,292
♪♪

456
00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:42,991
♪ When I didn't hear back,
went and packed my bags ♪

457
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:46,690
♪ And I started on my search

458
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:50,651
♪ Yeah, I'm bound to find you
and remind you ♪

459
00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:54,916
♪ That living without you
is the worst ♪

460
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:57,788
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

461
00:18:57,832 --> 00:19:01,357
♪ I ain't letting go

462
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:03,272
♪ We were meant to be

463
00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:05,056
♪ This is destiny

464
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,015
♪ I know you know

465
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:12,194
♪ I ain't letting go

466
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:16,198
♪ I found your cellphone
records, utility bill ♪

467
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:19,854
♪ And prescriptions
for some sleeping pills ♪

468
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,464
♪ Yeah, I'm getting close

469
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,249
♪ My love's like
rock 'n' roll ♪

470
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:25,251
[ Retches ]♪ It never dies

471
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:28,210
♪ It never dies, no

472
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:31,039
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

473
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:34,564
♪ I ain't letting go

474
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,523
♪ We were meant to be

475
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,220
♪ This is destiny

476
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,179
♪ I know you know

477
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:46,141
♪ I ain't letting go

478
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,362
♪ Lace up my boots

479
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:53,975
♪ I battled for you

480
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:57,805
♪ It's what I do

481
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,850
Hey. I'm here to pick up
the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.

482
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,939
Okay. Well, I hope you're here
for the music festival.

483
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,245
If not, you picked
the wrong weekend.

484
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,594
It gets a little crazy.

485
00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:06,117
Oh, no. We're --
We're here for Beacharoo.

486
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:08,729
We might, uh, look like
a couple of boring parents,

487
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,252
but she has a tramp stamp
from Coachella

488
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,080
and I got my nipple
pierced at the mall.

489
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,387
Okay. Great.
Well, I'll just find the keys.

490
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:16,084
♪ Yeah, I'll keep you safe

491
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:18,042
♪ Smile on that pretty face

492
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:19,870
Are we sure he's
old enough for this?

493
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,437
He still
sucks his thumb.

494
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:23,831
That's exactly why
this is a good idea.

495
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,485
Boy's got to
grow up sometime.

496
00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:28,575
♪ I ain't letting go

497
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,881
♪ I ain't letting go

498
00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:35,277
♪ No, I ain't letting go